In a thought-provoking episode, a renowned academic embarks on a journey into the depths of the cosmos and the realm of sleep paralysis. His tales, deeply personal yet universally resonant, offer a fresh perspective on experiences many find unsettling.
I used to get sleep paralysis when I was a kid for some reason. Every nightmare was sleep paralysis so I never knew a bad dream without it. Not sure why I got it because I wasn't sleep deprived or stressed or sleeping irregular hours, all the things that supposedly help make it happen. Years after I "conquered" it, and after I finally learned what it was called, I tried to make it happen for reasons I can't explain, but some combination of nostalgia, the sheer thrill of it, conquering my fears, and scientific curiosity. And also to experiment, make it positive or euphoric like I read it could be and only once experienced. Alas, every attempt to induce it resulted in ever-worse episodes of insomnia, and no sleep paralysis or lucid dreams. Somehow my mind was TOO focused and aware to let myself fall into any state, including regular sleep, and this could last for days, weeks or months, and so sadly I've stopped even trying. I don't why I never get it anymore just like I don't know why I had it as a kid. Just a weird time in my life.
Well first I need to lay a little background. Regardless of the dream or episode, my sleep paralysis always had the hallmark of having a loud (evil/sinister) buzzing sound (sort of like a combination of electric hair clippers and a propeller airplane when it is dive bombing, if that makes sense) and waves of intense vibrations running through my body, like I was being electrocuted or was the sensation of the magnet force that was drawing my body into the bed. Hard to describe. It was alway more intense and lasted longer when I was on my back. Other than that I would feel heavy or a weight on me, being stuck to the bed or being sucked into or or crushed, unable to breathe or scream for help, move a muscle or even open my glued-shut/ weigh-a-ton eyelids to "escape" into being awake, or simply life, since it felt as if I was dying and could no drag my body from being dead forever. It was the most terrifying experience I ever had, asleep or awake, by a factor or 10 at least, including real life and death experiences. The sheer utter dread is without comparison or description and was the worst feeling I could ever imagine. It was like the buzzing and vibrations WERE the fear being so intense that I felt the shuddering of my own fear so strongly that it buzzed and vibrated that way. Now, whenever an episode would start, my thought for a strategy would be to try to escape it AS SOON AS I felt it starting, as it would start slowly and gently with my feeling heavier and the buzzing and vibration starting softly an slowly. But I always felt like I waited too long (and would be SO mad at myself when I finally woke up) because as soon as I tried to move to wake up is when it felt like I became sucked into this vortex and fell into its inescapable clutches. Like "I let it GET ME." So I would have to fight with every ounce of my strength and will to break free. My panic and helplessness were extreme.
Okay so that is a little background to a usual experience. So one morning when I was 11 I was dreaming I was walking in a crowd and suddenly bumped into someone, and you know how when you encounter someone in a dream and suddenly you have an irrational fear that this stranger will harm you or is evil in some way? I had that for a split second and felt my body become encased in an invisible "blanket" of heaviness, like a constricting cocoon, and that buzzing and vibration started, but after a few seconds for some reason it faded away and I was still in the dream. Now, looking back I should have used that opportunity to "tap out" and not wait for something worse to happen but for some reason I had this curiosity to see what would happen next, combined with a bravery for facing that fear. So it happened again when I bumped into another person, the same feeling and buzzing vibration, which stopped and I was still asleep. It was like I was daring the experience to scare me and then I started doing it on purpose, blindly bumping into people so I could feel that sensation that wasn't harming me, like I had to prove I wasn't scared anymore. I can't remember if the feeling itself changed or intensified, but looking back it sort of became a "high" or pre-adolescent orgasmic "euphoria" - it was like I was drawing power from each encounter, and the buzzing and vibration, I don't know, because I was now in charge of making it happen seemed to lose its power to terrorize me. I felt like I was becoming more invincible with each time. Not sure how many times I did it but eventually it wore off and I was awake in this sort of glow. I felt so empowered and victorious like I finally overcame my fear of this condition which seemed to afflict me. And wouldn't you know I never had a (scary) episode of sleep paralysis again. Other than a few extremely mild, brief and not scary episodes which one could consider hypnagogic experiences, on the rare occasion a dream seems about to turn bad I instantly snap awake on reflex before anything happens.
I really enjoyed this, Sheila! Thanks for sharing it.
I used to get sleep paralysis when I was a kid for some reason. Every nightmare was sleep paralysis so I never knew a bad dream without it. Not sure why I got it because I wasn't sleep deprived or stressed or sleeping irregular hours, all the things that supposedly help make it happen. Years after I "conquered" it, and after I finally learned what it was called, I tried to make it happen for reasons I can't explain, but some combination of nostalgia, the sheer thrill of it, conquering my fears, and scientific curiosity. And also to experiment, make it positive or euphoric like I read it could be and only once experienced. Alas, every attempt to induce it resulted in ever-worse episodes of insomnia, and no sleep paralysis or lucid dreams. Somehow my mind was TOO focused and aware to let myself fall into any state, including regular sleep, and this could last for days, weeks or months, and so sadly I've stopped even trying. I don't why I never get it anymore just like I don't know why I had it as a kid. Just a weird time in my life.
Well first I need to lay a little background. Regardless of the dream or episode, my sleep paralysis always had the hallmark of having a loud (evil/sinister) buzzing sound (sort of like a combination of electric hair clippers and a propeller airplane when it is dive bombing, if that makes sense) and waves of intense vibrations running through my body, like I was being electrocuted or was the sensation of the magnet force that was drawing my body into the bed. Hard to describe. It was alway more intense and lasted longer when I was on my back. Other than that I would feel heavy or a weight on me, being stuck to the bed or being sucked into or or crushed, unable to breathe or scream for help, move a muscle or even open my glued-shut/ weigh-a-ton eyelids to "escape" into being awake, or simply life, since it felt as if I was dying and could no drag my body from being dead forever. It was the most terrifying experience I ever had, asleep or awake, by a factor or 10 at least, including real life and death experiences. The sheer utter dread is without comparison or description and was the worst feeling I could ever imagine. It was like the buzzing and vibrations WERE the fear being so intense that I felt the shuddering of my own fear so strongly that it buzzed and vibrated that way. Now, whenever an episode would start, my thought for a strategy would be to try to escape it AS SOON AS I felt it starting, as it would start slowly and gently with my feeling heavier and the buzzing and vibration starting softly an slowly. But I always felt like I waited too long (and would be SO mad at myself when I finally woke up) because as soon as I tried to move to wake up is when it felt like I became sucked into this vortex and fell into its inescapable clutches. Like "I let it GET ME." So I would have to fight with every ounce of my strength and will to break free. My panic and helplessness were extreme.
Okay so that is a little background to a usual experience. So one morning when I was 11 I was dreaming I was walking in a crowd and suddenly bumped into someone, and you know how when you encounter someone in a dream and suddenly you have an irrational fear that this stranger will harm you or is evil in some way? I had that for a split second and felt my body become encased in an invisible "blanket" of heaviness, like a constricting cocoon, and that buzzing and vibration started, but after a few seconds for some reason it faded away and I was still in the dream. Now, looking back I should have used that opportunity to "tap out" and not wait for something worse to happen but for some reason I had this curiosity to see what would happen next, combined with a bravery for facing that fear. So it happened again when I bumped into another person, the same feeling and buzzing vibration, which stopped and I was still asleep. It was like I was daring the experience to scare me and then I started doing it on purpose, blindly bumping into people so I could feel that sensation that wasn't harming me, like I had to prove I wasn't scared anymore. I can't remember if the feeling itself changed or intensified, but looking back it sort of became a "high" or pre-adolescent orgasmic "euphoria" - it was like I was drawing power from each encounter, and the buzzing and vibration, I don't know, because I was now in charge of making it happen seemed to lose its power to terrorize me. I felt like I was becoming more invincible with each time. Not sure how many times I did it but eventually it wore off and I was awake in this sort of glow. I felt so empowered and victorious like I finally overcame my fear of this condition which seemed to afflict me. And wouldn't you know I never had a (scary) episode of sleep paralysis again. Other than a few extremely mild, brief and not scary episodes which one could consider hypnagogic experiences, on the rare occasion a dream seems about to turn bad I instantly snap awake on reflex before anything happens.